March 2006

T. is a switch, but when he’s subby, he’s VERY subby. And we had talked about doing a me-sub/him-dom scene last night, but he was feeling VERY subby, and so he let me — actually, *asked* me to — unleash my inner domme on his ass. Fun, hell yeah, but also nerve-wracking, because while I’m very definitely switchy, all my domme-ness so far has been limited to practicing on T., without other party guests looking on, and I didn’t want to fuck up my first “public” time in charge, you know? But it seemed to go well, judging by his response.

But I *really* wanted to be the sub last night, and not have to be the one to come up with a plan and a backswing. And we really did intend to switch after I was done topping, but when we were finished with *me* beating *him* (I used one of my shoes at one point — it made a great slapping effect), he got completely involved in trying to make a rope corset on me. He got so obsessed with wanting it to look a certain way that he kept untying and re-tying it, and made very little progress, and I got sleepy, and we gave up after 30-40 minutes and ate pizza and went to bed. I told him this morning that he owes me a beating.

T. has been letting me practice flogging and other types of impact play on him. (Maybe “letting” is the wrong term; I think it’s a mutually beneficial situation.) For the most part, I enjoy doing it — and the power rush from being the one wielding the flogger is *spectacular*— and T. definitely enjoyed it, but because I’m so new at topping, I have a hard time judging how hard/soft to hit, though I know that will improve with time and more scenes in which I top.

But I also have this little voice in my head that keeps insisting that I’m *hurting* T. (and not in a good way), and that I shouldn’t be doing this, that it’s wrong wrong wrong. He yelps and yowls, and I *know* that he wouldn’t hesitate to use his safeword, but my lizard brain still freaks out that I’m causing pain to someone else.

And yet — the domme part of my brain is *totally* getting off on it.