I tend to assume that, if *I* know about something, then surely everyone knows about it. After all, I’m appallingly naive for a 30-mumble-something woman. So when a friend had a bad experience playing with a new partner, I assumed that, at the very least, her safecall provided a built-in endpoint to the scene.
But she didn’t use a safecall. And I wonder: how many people do?
Her experience is not mine to share in any kind of detail; it was an unfortunately common story, though. She met a top at a local munch, they exchanged e-mail addresses, talked via e-mail for a week or two, went out to dinner once or twice, and then they decided to play. Alone, at her house.
You know, all of that is, more or less, what you’re “supposed” to do when you meet a new potential partner (in the kink world AND the vanilla world, really). I, personally, would be uncomfortable playing with a new partner for the first time in a setting where we were alone, but not everyone feels the way that I do. I’m excessively cautious about some stuff.
Anyway, my friend. The scene went wrong, I found out the next day (which was the first that I had even heard that she had decided to play with this new top). The top didn’t respect my friend’s limits, my friend got freaked out, and eventually they stopped, but the end result was that my friend was really, REALLY upset afterwards, which is quite understandable. She was upset for days, and, in truth, is still kind of spun by it, but is doing fine, basically, now that some time has passed.
When I was pretty new to the local BDSM community, I encountered people who expressed disdain for safecalls, because they found them “insulting.” OF COURSE nothing would go wrong, they insisted. Did I think they were some kind of psycho? How rude of me! These people were generally (but not always) tops/dominants, and I realized right away that they were not people I wanted to play with. If you can’t respect my need for safety, especially when we barely know each other (and, hey, what if *I’m* the psycho, huh? you ever think about that?), then I have no desire to play with you.
And I encountered people who cheerfully admitted that they didn’t use safecalls because they tended to lose track of time when playing, and if you lose track of time and don’t check in with your safecall person, they call the police, and, well THAT’S embarassing. (To which I say: stop viewing your flakiness as a charming quality and get a watch with a goddamn ALARM on it. Set the alarm, call your friend to check in, and then keep playing.)
But when I hear stories like my friend’s experience—and the ones that are even worse, that end with someone being gravely harmed or killed—then I tend to think that maybe the perceived “inconvenience” of setting up a safecall isn’t really an inconvenience at all. It might just save your ass.
May 18, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Have been thinking more about safety lately after reading some good stuff about it. Question–you can answer about your friend’s situation or in general. What do you think a safecall does to change the dynamics of a _scene_ going-or-about-to-go wrong–as opposed to an incident involving, say, a serial killer caught by the police in the nick of time? I definitely think it can or could do that–mostly by giving the (submissive) safe-caller a sounding board, moral support, reality check, pause, break from sub-space, etc. But people usually frame the issue as “if you don’t do this and die you’ll regret it!” rather than “hey, this could really help you from overriding your own judgment.” What do you think?
May 18, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Actually, you bring up a very good point. Because, in my opinion, the sad truth is that a safecall might *not* save the life of someone who hooked up with an actual serial killer; someone who’s that crazed isn’t going to be dissuaded by knowing his victim has a safecall set up. In that situation, unfortunate though it may be, the safecall serve more as a trail for law enforcement to follow.
But really, the odds of someone in the BDSM world hooking up with a genuine serial killer are slim to none. So, in the scenario you pose, I think it’s a good point to emphasize — during a scene, sometimes logic and other rational thought is not exactly in charge. And I mean that on both sides.
When I’m bottoming — I’m going to use my own tendencies as an example, instead of my friend’s situation — I can get very caught up in wanting to do everything “right” and please my top, and that has led me to continue with scenes past a point I was comfortable with. If I had had a built-in pause where I had to make a safecall, it’s very possible that just the act of getting out of the scene would have put me in a more rational headspace, and I would have been able to end the scene or address what I was uncomfortable with.
So, yeah, I really agree with your point, and I’m glad you brought it up!
May 19, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Male bottoms need to remember this as well. I’ve heard the same story form gay guys.
Several years ago I turned down almost every male top heard from online. None of them had even heard of negotiating. They just had foolish power fantasies.
May 20, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I rarely hook up with people I haven’t interviewed thoroughly, but even with that process I have a safe call person because the truth is that you really don’t KNOW people no matter how much interviewing you do.
I give ALL the details; location, time, and all information (including a photo that I request before I play) regarding my new playmate. It’s strict rule with me, they don’t want to provide the photo or other information, they don’t play with me. It’s too much of a risk, in my opinion. If they aren’t going to trust me, then why should I trust them?
If I don’t call, she does. We have designed words to tell each other if things are progressing well or not well. I have men in my life, well armed men, that will not hesitate to “distrupt” a scene if she calls them. I think it is a necessity because play is not worth my being harmed in a nonconsensual way.
May 21, 2008 at 3:55 am
I don’t use a safe word. I don’t know that I would use one if it was in place. I have gone beyond my limits 3 or 4 times and have learnt from it that I am vulnerable and that being able to negotiate is very important. So it is in the initial stages of a relationship that an analysis has to be made of the tops willingness and ability to negotiate before any exposure to play occurs.
I do have a safe call person who gets all details.