(This could alternatively be titled, “If Teppycat is Bottoming, It MUST Be Time to Talk to Her!”)
After my car’s iPod adapter was recently resurrected (yeah, first-world problems), I was listening to Graydancer‘s podcast, Ropecast, on the way home from work today. One of the things he was talking about with a group of people was play party etiquette, and it reminded me of what has been a constant theme in my kinky public life: if I’m bottoming at a play party, *someone* WILL come up and start talking to me, my top, or both of us.
WTF, right??? I thought everyone knew that actually talking to people WHILE THEY’RE IN A SCENE is uncool. Unbelievably un-fucking-cool, man. But I apparently have a sign tatttooed on my ass that says, “Please, come talk to me; why would I want to achieve subspace or any sort of intimacy with my partner?”
Literally every party I’ve ever played at — except one, which I will describe below — when I’ve been the bottom, people walk right up and start talking to me. Once, at a play party at an event (which means, yeah, a BIG play party, where you’d think people would be adhering to the rules lest they get bounced by the DMs), I was bottoming to T. He had me tied with my wrists above my head, attached to the crossbar of a pillory post. Because I’m self-conscious and have body image issues, I had on underpants (but nothing else). I have a lower-back tattoo (not to be trendy [although it’s nobody’s business *why* I have it]; rather, I had back surgery 5 years ago, and the tattoo serves to partially cover the scar and to also re-claim that part of my body).
While T. was pausing to switch floggers, someone walked up to him and asked him if he would PULL DOWN MY UNDERPANTS SO SHE COULD SEE THE REST OF MY TATTOO.
I think my eyeballs fell out of my head. WHO DOES THAT?!? That’s so fucking rude. Because (1) hello, we’re PLAYING, HERE; and (2) you want to see my tattoo, you come around to my face and ask ME (I have big-time boundary issues when it comes to my body, although I will grant that, if someone had never met me before that event, and then the first thing they saw of me was to watch me bottoming, it wouldn’t be an absurd conclusion to think that I was owned, and the appropriate person to ask would be my master).
But still. Even if I were owned, you still don’t walk up and ask to see someone’s slave’s tattoo while the master is changing floggers!
(Interestingly — or, really, NOT — when *I* top T. at parties, NO ONE comes up to talk to me or him. I have a very effective “Do NOT fuck with me or I will KILL YOU DEAD” demeanor. Plus, I don’t make eye contact with anyone while I’m topping, because I’m just hyper-focused like that.)
As for the party that was the exception, where no one walked up to try to talk to either of us during the scene: I had grumbled at length to T. before the scene about the fact that people always interrupt, and I felt like putting up a sign that said “Stay the Fuck Away!” Because T. is a nicer person than I am, we compromised and, on the back of a chair that was between us and the rest of the party, taped a sign that said, “Do Not Talk To The Animals Or They’ll Bite! You Have Been Warned!”
Worked like a charm. But, seriously? It shouldn’t take a sign, you know?
The Switch Is Not A Myth 
May 28, 2008 at 9:03 am
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
The plot thickens.
I am such a neophyte I have concluded.
Angelica
May 28, 2008 at 9:10 am
Well, everyone is a neophyte at some point.
I should note that I don’t have a problem with people who are talking in the general dungeon area, as long as they aren’t talking directly to me or my top. (Or, you know, bellowing at the top of their lungs, because that’s distracting.)
I always thought that, even if people didn’t know any other play party rule, everyone knew that interrupting scenes is a big no-no. But some people have loose definitions of “interrupting scenes.”
May 28, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I occasionally smile at a top if he or she makes eye contact. Or, actually, if I have eye contact with a bottom I will smile also, but I never seek that out – they have to look at me. I try to avoid interacting with people in scenes in general, with the exception of the exchanged smile with a top. I certainly don’t talk to people unless I need to, and then I would only talk to the top. (“need to” means something like “is that your bag leaking blood onto the floor?” not “oh gee I haven’t seen you in a while! how have you been??”)
May 31, 2008 at 4:33 am
I’d say if people talk to T when he is topping but not to you when you are topping then he is giving out vibes that say it is OK. He’s the top so get over it.
May 31, 2008 at 12:30 pm
”need to” means something like “is that your bag leaking blood onto the floor?”
Bwah! “Pardon me, did you lose an arm? It landed on the spanking bench….”
I’d say if people talk to T when he is topping but not to you when you are topping then he is giving out vibes that say it is OK.
I don’t disagree with this; it’s important for the top to create boundaries for a scene.
He’s the top so get over it.
As much as it’s important for the top to create boundaries for a scene, that NEVER excuses people interrupting a scene. The default for a party is always — at least, at every party I’ve attended — DO NOT intrude on others’ scenes. That’s just simple good manners.
People watching others’ scenes is part and parcel of a play party. People talking to each other in the play area is common, and as long as they aren’t bellowing, it’s just something that people who are sceneing would do well to tolerate.
But I emphatically disagree that I should “get over” being annoyed when people interrupt my scene, just because my top should be more vigilant regarding boundaries. Because it’s ALWAYS, first and foremost, the responsibility of people attending the party to STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY SCENE.
Good manners really aren’t hard to come by, but apparently some people don’t know that.
June 15, 2008 at 7:16 am
I apologise for making such an inflammatory statement, it was quite unnecessary. I think maybe I should go back to charm school and relearn my manners.
July 7, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Once, when I was caning a guy in public, a girl I’d never seen before came over and stuck her phone up so her friends could hear the whacking sounds.
It was so strange that I wasn’t even offended. I just mumbled something like, “I’m going to hit your phone” (because it was in the path of the cane!) and she wandered off.
It is the top’s job to set boundaries, but when you’re really into a scene and all your attention is on your partner, you can be pretty unprepared for an interruption like that.
In my case, we were both so into what was going on that we didn’t even really register the brief interruption, until I thought about it later and was all, “WTF was that?”
The girl was probably 20 years old, and seemed very young and clueless. I hope she’s learned better by now.
July 7, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Oh, and in the above, by “public,” I mean a public dungeon, not real public. I realized my comment might sound odd.