January 2006

I was talking with T. about what his cross-dressing persona is like, and he said that she’s a very very strict, almost sadistic, domme. And I told him I’d love to see him do that, get his domme on and really let loose. He asked if I meant with me as the sub, and I said sure, if you want me. So we talked for a long time about what we might do — my big thing is the power exchange, and the thrill of handing over my power to my dom(me) — and he came up with quite a few scenarios that would…melt my brain.

Guh. Maybe at the next party. We’ll see.

I talked with R. Friday night about the scene we did at the New Year’s Eve party, and what I liked and what I didn’t like, and how I apparently just can’t take a lot of pain. (He told me that actually I took a lot more than other subs he’s played with — which, I admit, made me all proud and pleased — but I said that, still, *I* don’t get anything out of the pain.) He said that there’s a lot of other stuff he can do, if I was interested.

And yes, I was interested, so at last night’s party we tried some of the aforementioned other stuff. A lot of impact play — mostly tattoo caning, which isn’t painful — a little singletail, some cupping, and some knifeplay. Very different from our first scene. I liked it, a lot. But — and I’m sure this is because I still don’t know R. well — I really couldn’t relax into it and just focus on the sensation. But that’s not unusual for me, anyway. I can never get out of my own head. Still, it was good.

Later, I had a totally new experience, that I’m still mulling over. Even though T.’s a switch, I’ve only ever seen him in dom mode, though he always talks about really wanting to get some serious sub time, too. One of the femdoms in the group, D., has been stressed out for a while, and said she really needed to beat some ass. She’s a *very* hard player.

When I was done playing with R., I wandered over to the social area to get some food, all dopey-headed and endorphin-buzzed. D. was busy tying up T. Now, it’s serious etiquette to *not* interrupt a scene (though it’s fine to watch), and I try really hard to be unobtrusive, because I’ve had people interrupt *my* scenes, and it’s just really uncool. But D. and T. both told me to come over, and chatted with me while D. tied T. up. I told them that I didn’t want to intrude, and to tell me when they wanted me to buzz off so they could start their scene in earnest.

D. said “If I want you to leave, I’ll tell you — but you can stay and help, if you want.” Hmmm. Intriguing. I looked at T. to see how he felt about that (technically, since he was the sub, I guess whether or not I helped wasn’t *his* decision), and he said “Oh, I’d really like it if you stayed and helped.” Well. All right, then.

I didn’t help — much — with the actual beating/domme-ing/flogging, partly b/c I have no real experience with flogging, and if you don’t know what you’re doing, you can hurt someone, and not in a good way. And partly b/c, like I said, D. is a *heavy* player, and it was kind of amazing to watch. So I kind of assisted her, in the hold-this-rope-hand-me-that-flogger sense. Though I *did* get in some good whacks with a riding crop. Dude, *very* satisfying. I totally get the rush of being a top.

Before last night, I hadn’t really watched a scene that was *that* heavy. Part of me was thinking “Wow — this is HOT,” and part of me was cringing at how hard D. walloped T.’s ass, and his subsequent yelps. And that’s the thing that I’m still mulling over — that was new for me, seeing *that* much pain being dished out, and both people clearly *loving* it (despite T.’s yelps). And having been flogged and caned myself, I’ve already had similar thoughts, along the lines of — it feels wrong, emotionally, to want to be beaten, and to ask for it, and ENJOY it, especially as a feminist. But I also know that the beatings I’ve taken were NOTHING compared to what D. was doing to T.

I *don’t* think it’s wrong, morally — not at all. Obviously. My reaction is purely visceral here, not intellectual. It’s just…new for me, witnessing that heavy of a pain scene. And, like I said, it was also HOT, which muddles my visceral reaction even more.

And I *really* liked the tiny bit of topping I did. Oh, yes.

The New Year’s Eve party last night was interesting. And fun. And kind of painful. I did a scene with R., which gave me the opportunity to experience getting whacked with all kinds of things that I hadn’t experienced before — paddles, bullwhips, canes — and a little knifeplay, too (no actual cutting, though — no, sir). My ass is black and blue. I don’t mean, like, a bruise here or there; I mean my whole ass. It’s a little impressive how uniform it is on both sides — and like I said, all over. An area bigger than a CD, on both sides. (I can’t think of anything similar to compare it to. Probably not as big as a 45 record, but bigger than a CD.) Granted, my bottom is a nice big target, and no dom worth his leather would fail to take advantage of the room to play.

Like so much this year, it was a good learning experience about what I like and don’t like and what I want to maybe try again to see what I think about it. I really like *impact,* but don’t like the actual pain at all. I think my butt is just a very delicate butt. It can’t take much before it starts to hurt a LOT. I liked the knifeplay a whole lot, mostly b/c of the mindfuck aspect of it. And really, out of all the various whackings I received, what I dug most was the actual interaction between me and R., partly from the mindfuck aspect, and partly from the dom/sub aspect. But the actual owie stuff? I don’t like it. I can’t take much of it, and I *know* that he wasn’t hitting very hard, since it was the first time we played together.

And, you know, that’s totally fine. I don’t *have* to be into everything. I don’t have to like pain, or want to be walloped until I bruise a vast array of colors. And that’s cool. It’s a good learning experience for me. I would definitely play with R. again as long as we could work out how it could be less painful to me, while still making it enjoyable for him.

There were a TON of people at the party — people from other regional groups — and that was a little weird. There were about 60-70 people there, which is the biggest party I’ve been to yet. And that meant that a LOT of people were watching my scene with R., which is kind of uncomfortable to me, and really keeps me from totally getting into it. But I know full well that that’s part and parcel of a public party — if you play, people will watch. And if you don’t like to be watched, then you don’t have to play. I guess my curiosity about different Implements O’ Whacking was greater than my dislike of being on display.

It was fun, though not as fun as other scenes I’ve done. But, like I said, a good learning experience, and that’s what I’m looking for right now.