Bitchy Jones has a recent post describing the stereotypical asshat male dom (it’s pretty accurate, IMO). Here is her take on the attitude that asshat male doms have about switches:
“there is nothing worse than…
“Switches! Switches are worse than mansubs, because like bisexuals in straightland, they look normal….
“But, really, switches! That lovely M/f couple with him all puffy chest and her knowing her place and then, OMG, he says he switches. Ew. Ew!. EW! Switches are all wrong because being submissive (if you are a woman) or dominant (if you are a man) is something you ARE, not something you try on for fun. Goddamnit. When will people understand. This is not about sex!”
I would accuse Bitchy of shortsighted stereotyping, but the thing is, I encounter that attitude All. The. Fucking. Time. And not just from male doms, but from female subs, female doms, male subs — at some point, my existence as a switch has been met with incredulity by people in pretty much any role other than switch.
That, in and of itself, pisses me off, because *I* don’t doubt others’ self-proclaimed roles, and I’m not known for being (1) a liar or (b) schizophrenic, so I haven’t given others any reason to doubt *me*.
But what pisses me off more, what this entry is about, is the assumption that, because I switch roles when it comes to BDSM, I also switch how I interact with the world outside the dungeon. Uh, no. Who I am is who I am.
An example: I was at a meeting of the local BDSM group, and we were splitting into small groups to get some administrative crap done. It was like herding cats, and, because I’m bossy and anal and would have made an excellent dictator of a small island nation, I took charge and directed the groups to where they should sit, made sure everyone had pens and paper, etc.
The president of the group (who happens to be a male dom) snarkily commented, “Well, I see which way *you’re* switching today!”
Uh, no. My whole life, I’ve been bossy and pushy and anal-retentive and really good at organizing things and people. I’ve never been shy and retiring or too timid to speak up, EVER. Just because I’m being outspoken doesn’t mean that I’m “being toppy.” If I *were* taciturn, that wouldn’t mean I was “being submissive.”
Seriously, that pisses me off more and more just thinking about it. I switch when it comes to kinky shit. That’s it. How hard is that for people to grasp?
It’s the same line of reasoning that gets trotted out to sneer at submissives who speak their mind — just because someone identifies as a submissive, sexually (and let’s not forget that this is really what it’s all about, okay — SEX), doesn’t mean that she’s a timid shrinking violet who can’t speak up in a social situation. The other side of that coin, of course, is that just because someone identifies as a dom definitely doesn’t mean he’s a good leader. I’m sick and fucking tired of seeing doms put in leadership positions of BDSM groups, just because they’re doms — yup, it happens all the time — only to have them step down from the leadership position because it turns out that they’re crap at actually, you know, LEADING.
The role a person chooses when it comes to BDSM has nothing to do with how he or she acts in the rest of his or her life. It *can* match up — see also, timid submissives, loud-mouthed doms — but it doesn’t have to, and, frankly, is insulting when people assume it does.
Because where does that leave the lowly switch, the spork of the BDSM world? Getting pummeled with asinine assumptions about things that have NOTHING to do with our switchiness, that’s where.
The Switch Is Not A Myth 
January 13, 2008 at 1:37 pm
People are made leaders because they’re doms? I’m dumbfounded, but not completely surprised.
January 13, 2008 at 2:39 pm
It happens way too often. Sometimes the doms step up because they want *any* leadership position, even if they aren’t qualified — they’re DOMS, you see, and *must* lead.
And other times the existing leadership finds that it needs more help, and taps the doms first, because, you see, they’re DOMS and therefore surely must be leaders.
It tends to end badly, though, which is why it pisses me off so much; if the criteria for leadership were actual skill and experience in whatever area it is, instead of picking the domliest dom, things would go much more smoothly.
That’s not to say that subs and switches *aren’t* in leadership positions, because they most definitely are (or have been). It’s just that doms tend to get tapped first, regardless of their qualifications, or lack thereof.
January 13, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Even in a relationship with a D/s component where I’m submissive I tend to be the decider and choice maker outside of BDSM. And in my -admittedly limited – experience I’ve never seen much of a correlation between sexual submissiveness and overall passivity. Or erotic dominance and real life aggressiveness.
The human race isn’t fond of nuance.
January 13, 2008 at 5:20 pm
A-freakin-men. Good post.
January 14, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Very well said. *applause*
January 14, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Amen sister! I hate that even at events that I attend and that people know me naturally assume I am either more one way or the other. It blows thier minds that Yes I can switch from top to bottom and back to top all in one night.
Some of the best leaders I’ve since in the bdsm scene here and in the DC area happen to be submissive folk that are teachers or are anal retentive organizers that can make events flow effortlessly.
February 10, 2008 at 8:15 am
HALLELUJAH!!
I’m not even properly a switch – I have kinks that aren’t innately D/s-dependent, and strongly prefer a constantly-shifting, collaborative power exchange. (If I’m playing a D/s scene, I’m a switch in that I can take either role – but for me that’s a “fun once in a while” thing.)
This plays such havoc with the assumptions of the “Dums” (my private – well, not so private now that I’ve said it on your blog – term for asshat tops) that I’ve come to be very cautious about BDSM communities. A community predicated on those assumptions is not a comfortable place for me, nor am I comfortable for them.
Sunflower
February 10, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I’ll just chime in here with another “hell yeah”! I left a comment over at Figleaf’s, but it should really be addressed to you, so here it is in its entirety.
Thanks for this. Some people expect me to be mean in real life when they learn I lean toward being dominant in the bedroom, but I’m really a pretty laid-back and agreeable person. This does not equal being a pushover, as I’ve learned over the past several years. When I am teaching or negotiating, I usually cultivate a calm, impartial-seeming persona, and this works better for me than getting upset or shouty. (Actually, I’m sure some people find my leadership style disagreeable, since it fits either the “cold bitch” stereotype or the “male-identified” stereotype, depending on your preference. But it doesn’t seem to fit the “feisty domme” stereotype at all.) Sometimes shouting is strategically effective, like when you need to talk to the supervisor of a person who is giving you trouble, but it makes me feel lousy in way that my “calm leadership” persona never does.