This month’s meeting topic was about negotiation with a partner before you even start to get kinky together. Very interesting. Being me, I had read a lot about BDSM before I ever ventured into “real-world” BDSM, and so I know about how important negotiation is (“negotiation” is a weird term for it — it’s just outlining what both of you want, things you absolutely won’t do, things you absolutely require, etc.), and yet, also being me, it struck me that I don’t feel entitled to ask for what I want. I get that it’s totally important for both the dom and the sub to be very clear about what they want, otherwise things can be unsatisfying at best and harmful in a worst-case scenario. I totally get that.

And yet I still feel like *I,* personally, don’t have the right to ask for what I want, that I should be grateful for whatever I get, even if it hurts. This, of course, is why I’m approaching the kinky lifestyle *verrrrry* slowly. Because I don’t actually want to get hurt, and I don’t want to do anything with anyone until I *do* feel entitled to ask for what I want and to say with certainty what I don’t want. It’s a mental hurdle I need to get past.

Lots to think about — not just about what I want, activity-wise (for want of a better term), but also what I want out of the whole experience. I have some vague ideas about the second part, and some really specific ideas about the first part. Mmm. You betcha. The real issue will be whether or not I can articulate them.

As I keep attending events, more and more faces are familiar to me, even if I can’t remember everyone’s name yet, and even if I don’t really *know* them, per se. That familiarity is SUCH a relief, since I’m so awkward and tongue-tied and foot-shuffle-y with people who I don’t know. People are generally nice, and, at the very least, not scary. Actually, they’re fun and welcoming and geeky in their own specialized way.